Listen up, you drooling fucking degenerates sucking on the teat of British politics like it’s the last hit of pure uncut hope in this collapsing empire. I crawled out of my filthy apartment, mainlined enough chemicals to kill a medium-sized government, and pointed my eyeballs at Reform UK – that shiny new populist turd polished up to look like revolution.
Why this time? You ask, sick of hearing about those light blue temper tantrum fake ass politicians. Well you filthy bastards, I’m sick of writing about them, but they are the news. This time in a different way. In a good way. The media have torn strips out of them this week. Quickly forgotten but strips all the same, and online, oh the online bastards have been taking it too them. From comedians just ripping the idiocy of this all to pieces to people taking their lies and pointing them back at them. This one caught my eye. As Reform love to do ever day that ends in a “y” they love to make more petitions to push their lies and harvest users data. So someone did the same back. Instead of Reforms lies of GetStarmOut.com there is now KeepFarageOut.uk – I’m sure Mr Ego himself is screaming his snake-oiled skin off about that one. Still desperate to pretend this weeks local elections are to “Get Starmer Out”.
I digress, it’s been a heavy weekend. So what did I find with Reform this time? A fresh-faced little party, barely out the womb, already drowning in more pus, sleaze, and laughable hypocrisy than the average decades-old Westminster sewer rat.
Top five? Top five. Jesus wept, I had to pick like a starving man choosing which limb to gnaw off first.
Number one: The glorious leader himself, Nigel Farage, that professional beer-swilling everyman with the permanent shit-eating grin, pocketed a cool £5 million from some crypto billionaire lizard called Christopher Harborne. Personal gift, he says. For “security.” Before he even became an MP. Didn’t declare it properly, of course. Why would he? Rules are for the little people who don’t have crypto sugar daddies worried about your personal safety in this dangerous modern world. The elections watchdog is “considering” looking into it. How fucking quaint. In my day we called that a bribe with extra steps.
Number two: His deputy, the millionaire Richard Tice, the business genius who co-owns the fucking party. Turns out his property outfit “accidentally” forgot to pay tens (or hundreds) of thousands in tax on dividends funnelled to him and his cozy little Jersey offshore trust. The same company that shovelled millions toward Reform. Technicality, says Tice. Minor admin error. HMRC got the right amount eventually, wink wink. These are the clowns screaming about elites and taxes while treating the rules like toilet paper. Beautiful. Poetic, even.
Number three: The racism pipeline. Sweet bleeding Christ, the vetting process at Reform makes a back-alley drug deal look professional. Candidate after candidate, councillor after councillor, caught spewing Britain First garbage, N-words, golliwogs, complaints about too many brown faces in adverts, Nazi cosplay photos – the whole greatest hits album of basement-dwelling bigotry. Farage admits some of them did the party “enormous harm.” No shit, Sherlock. You let the circus freaks in and then act shocked when the tent starts smelling like piss and failure.
Number four: Farage’s own teenage Greatest Hits reel. Dozens of old schoolmates crawling out to say the young Nigel was a walking hate crime – “Hitler was right,” “gas them,” targeting Jewish kids, the full fascist schoolyard starter pack. He calls it banter. Made-up fantasies. Politically motivated. Fifty years later and the man still can’t quite bring himself to sound sorry without adding seventeen qualifiers. The school itself called the behaviour “profoundly distressing.” Even Holocaust survivors told him to apologise. But nah – it was just edgy playground talk, folks. Move along.
Number five: The Russia connection special. Former Reform Wales bigwig Nathan Gill, ex-MEP, takes bribes from pro-Kremlin operators to spout Putin talking points. Jailed for over ten years. The government launches reviews into foreign interference because of it. Farage doesn’t want to investigate his own party. Not his job, apparently. He’s not a policeman. Of course not. He’s just the guy whose movement keeps finding itself in bed with interesting foreign money and interesting foreign narratives.
And that’s just the top five, you understand.
The pure level of corruption and scandal resounding around a brand-new tiny party is just fucking ridiculous. This isn’t some crusty century-old machine with generations of rot baked in – this is a fresh startup that’s achieved in a couple of years what most parties need decades of careful, dedicated venality to accomplish. Picking the top five out of so many choices is a ridiculous problem to be having. There are more – endless more – leaking out every week like pus from a lanced boil: internal knife fights, council fuck-ups, leaked “suck it up” tantrums, more dodgy candidates, more hypocrisy, more everything. The barrel isn’t just bad apples; the whole fucking orchard is poisoned and on fire.
This is what passes for hope in this country now. A clown car wrapped in a flag, driven by grifters, funded by crypto weirdos and offshore trusts, crewed by edgelords and tax dodgers, and somehow still polling like it’s the second coming.
Eat shit, Britain. We’ve earned every bit of this.
Spider Thompson, out.
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