Oh, for fuck’s sake, you pathetic sacks of meat and debt, wake up and smell the sewage! Here we go again, the bastards need more cash – that’s right, the water company overlords, those bloated parasites in pinstripes, have clawed their way to another victory in the endless war on your wallet. Five of these utility vampires – Anglian Water, Northumbrian Water, South East Water, Southern Water, and Wessex Water – just got the green light from the Competition and Markets Authority (CMA) to jack up your bills even higher than the regulatory rubber-stampers at Ofwat already allowed. Provisional permission, my arse; it’s just another rubber hose up the public’s collective rectum, squeezing out an extra 1% for Anglian and Northumbrian, 3% for Southern, 4% for South East, and a whopping 5% for Wessex. And this is on top of the 36% average hike – that’s £157 more over five years – that Ofwat rubber-stamped back in December like it was handing out candy to these corporate toddlers.
Millions of you poor bastards are gonna feel this one right in the gut, as if the cost-of-living crisis wasn’t already a boot to the balls. These companies whined to the CMA in March, crying that Ofwat’s paltry allowances wouldn’t let them “meet regulatory obligations.” Obligations? Like what, upgrading their execs’ yachts while your taps spit brown sludge and rivers choke on raw shit? They begged for £2.7 billion extra, and the CMA – that supposed watchdog that’s more lapdog – tossed them £556 million like table scraps. All in the name of “more resilient supply, reducing pollution, and covering increased financing costs.” Pollution? These fuckers have been dumping sewage into your beaches and waterways for years, turning the UK into a floating toilet, and now they want a pat on the back and your money to maybe, possibly, kinda fix it? Spare me the bullshit; this is just another cash grab to line pockets while the infrastructure crumbles like a junkie’s veins.
Kirstin Baker, the chair of the CMA’s expert group – experts in bending over, apparently – bleats out: “We’ve found that water companies’ requests for significant bill increases, on top of those allowed by Ofwat, are largely unjustified. We understand the real pressure on household budgets, and have worked to keep increases to a minimum while still ensuring there is funding to deliver essential improvements at reasonable cost.” Unjustified? Then why the hell are you approving any of it, you spineless bureaucrat? “Keep increases to a minimum” – yeah, because 5% extra is just pocket change when you’re already up 36%. And don’t get me started on Water minister Emma Hardy, the government’s latest mouthpiece, simpering: “I understand the public’s anger over bill rises – that’s why I expect every water company to offer proper support to anyone struggling to pay. We’ve made sure that investment cash goes into infrastructure upgrades, not bonuses, and we’re creating a tough new regulator to clean up our waterways and restore trust in the system.” Trust? In this system? That’s like trusting a fox to babysit your chickens after it’s already eaten half the coop. She’s rattling off distractions – frozen fuel duty, raised minimum wage, pensions up, mortgage rates down – like that’s gonna make up for the fact that these privatized pricks have been profiteering off your basic human need for water while letting the pipes rot.
Here we go again, the bastards need more cash, and you’re the ATM. No mention of their fat profits, just endless excuses for why they need to bleed you dry to “invest.” Invest in what, more dividends for shareholders while sewage spills hit record highs? The government’s “tough new regulator” is probably just another committee of yes-men who’ll fine them a pittance and call it accountability. Me? I’m done with this farce. I’m gonna go drown my sorrows in something stronger than your fluoridated tap water – assuming it doesn’t come out brown today.
Wake up, country; the real pollution is the corruption flowing from the top.
Stay angry, you filthy animals.
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