Listen up, you filthy degenerates, because I’m about to unload a steaming pile of truth on your complacent skulls. It’s me, Spider Thompson, your favourite gonzo hack, crawling out of the sewer of modern journalism to dissect the rotting corpse of British politics. And oh, what a week it’s been – worse than that time in 1377 when “the Bad Parliament” shat all over England with their corrupt decrees. We’ve got traitors prancing around like they’re the second coming of Churchill, liars spewing bile on international stages, and fraudsters climbing the greasy pole of power. But enough foreplay; let’s get to the meat.
Picture this: Nigel Farage, that smirking, pint-swigging fraud, slithers across the Atlantic to whine about Britain’s “authoritarian” slide in front of the US Congress. Yeah, you heard that right – the bloke who’s supposed to be sitting his arse in Parliament, representing the good people of Clacton (or whatever backwater elected him), ditches his duties to bitch about the UK in front of a bunch of Yanks. And who steps up to smack him down like the weasel he is? None other than Congressman Jamie Raskin, a Democrat with balls of steel and a tongue sharper than a rusty shiv.
Raskin didn’t hold back. He opened fire in his statement, calling Farage a “far-right, pro-Putin politician” and a “Donald Trump sycophant and wannabe.” Boom – right between the eyes. He branded the little toad a “Putin-loving free speech imposter,” exposing how Farage only champions speech that tickles his fascist fancy. Raskin tore into him over banning journalists from Reform UK events – yeah, the same Farage who bans reporters for asking tough questions while preaching “free speech” like it’s his personal gospel. “He complains that racist threats against immigrants are not protected free speech while he proposes to strip migrants, tourists, and perhaps others of their free speech rights,” Raskin thundered. And get this: Raskin straight-up urged British voters to “think twice” before backing this clown, accusing him of protecting only the speech he agrees with.
Farage, ever the slimy opportunist, tried to play it cool. “You can say what you like, I don’t care,” he quipped back, calling Raskin “charming.” Charming? That’s like calling a colonoscopy relaxing. But here’s the irony so thick you could spread it on toast: Farage’s very presence in that hearing proves free speech is alive and kicking in Britain. The bastard gets to jet off to America, slag off his own country as “authoritarian,” and not a single bobby comes knocking on his door. He calls the UK a sinking ship under Labour’s boot, warns Americans they could get arrested for tweeting the wrong thing – and yet, here he is, free as a bird, using that same free speech to lie through his nicotine-stained teeth.
But lying about your own country? Spreading poison about its state to foreign powers? That’s not free speech, you idiots – that’s treason adjacent. Farage’s ranting about Britain’s “awful, authoritarian situation” isn’t just bollocks; it’s a betrayal. “I come from the land of Magna Carta… so it doesn’t give me any great joy to be sitting in America and describing the really awful, authoritarian situation that we have now sunk into,” he whined to the committee. Magna Carta? The bloke wouldn’t know historical integrity if it bit him on the arse. He’s painting Britain as some dystopian hellhole while cashing his MP checks and dodging taxes through his dodgy company setups. If that’s not undermining the nation for personal gain, what the fuck is? Why hasn’t this traitor been hauled in for questioning? Why no arrest for stirring up division, for cosying up to Putin-lovers while our allies watch in horror? In any sane world, MI5 would be kicking down his door, but no – we let him prance around like he’s untouchable.
And don’t get me started on the cross-examination. They barely scratched the surface before time ran out – or so Farage claims. Truth is, the coward bolted early, claiming he “had to leave,” only to pop up outside for a GB News interview. GB News, that echo chamber of right-wing wankery, where he can spew unchallenged. Couldn’t handle the heat from Raskin, who pointed out there’s “no free speech crisis in Britain” but a massive one in America under Trump’s shadow. Farage squirmed, gurned, and fled like a rat from a sinking ship – his own metaphor come to life.
This whole farce ties into the bigger cancer: our corrupt media, that slobbering beast propping up Reform UK while kicking Labour in the nuts at every turn. The provided rant nails it – the world only sees Labour’s fuck-ups, never the half-decent bits, while Reform gets a free pass on their parade of idiocy. Take Angela Rayner’s fraud scandal: she resigns, does the right thing, and the press hounds her like she’s the Antichrist. Next day? Farage cops to the same shady house dealings and tax dodges via his company – paying his GB News wages to a shell to avoid the taxman. But oh no, he’s just “using legal loopholes,” and the idiot masses lap it up. Point out the hypocrisy? You’re shouted down as a snowflake.
Pad this out? Gladly, because the examples are endless. Look at the BBC – supposedly impartial, but they’ve been accused of systemic bias against Labour for years. Studies from places like the London School of Economics show how Corbyn was smeared as a “cesspit” of racism, while Farage’s xenophobic rants get softballed. Right-wing rags like the Telegraph and Mail are pivoting hard to Reform now that the Tories are toast, pumping out puff pieces on Farage’s “rise” despite his party having just five MPs. Why so much coverage? As one Morning Star article put it, “Organisations like the BBC would claim they have a duty to cover the new party, scrutinising what it is all about.” Scrutinising? Bollocks – they’re amplifying. Remember the election campaign? Reform splurged £1.3 million on ads in those same right-wing papers, which then turn around and bash Labour’s climate policies as “authoritarian” while ignoring Reform’s candidate scandals – offensive posts praising extremists, far-right conspiracies. The BBC even traced fake accounts boosting Reform on social media, but did it make headlines? Nah, buried under more Labour-bashing.
And social media? An explosion of lies and leg-humping for the traitor, as the rant says. Bots or not, profiles spew repetitive Reform praise while Labour gets painted as a “cold house for Jews” or whatever bollocks sticks. Legacy media forgives Labour’s “reactionary stance” on nothing – remember the 2019 election? Prominent narratives about “Workington Man” abandoning Labour, “red wall” crumbling, all while Reform’s proto-fascist vibes get a gloss-over. The Guardian noted how right-wing outlets are “anti-Labour” by default, with little from the Tories, so they boost Farage instead. Hell, even academic studies scream it: media bias against Corbyn (and now Starmer) is politicised reporting at its worst, eroding democracy.
Our media is killing the country, alright. They shoot down Labour’s nuggets of progress – economic tweaks, NHS fixes – while Reform’s negatives? Vanish into the ether. Conference closes with them singing “God Save the Queen” three years after she’s croaked? Hilarious, but barely a blip. Farage bans more people from events? Crickets. Meanwhile, every Labour misstep is a front-page apocalypse.
So why the fuck hasn’t Farage been arrested? Questioned over his actions – cosying to Trump, Putin apologism, tax dodges that mirror the fraud he condemns? Because the system’s rigged for cunts like him. He’s the symptom of a diseased body politic, where free speech is a shield for treasonous lies. Raskin saw it clear as day: “This hearing’s just a drive-by hit against a strong democratically to benefit a Donald Trump sycophant.” We need more of that here – politicians, journalists, you lot reading this – to call out the traitor.
Wake up, Britain. Before Farage and his Reform circus turn us into the authoritarian hell he pretends we already are. I’m Spider Thompson, and I’m out – time to find a bar and drown this filth.
But remember: the truth hurts, but lies kill.
+ There are no comments
Add yours