Listen up, you brain-dead drones scrolling through the digital shitstorm of 2025: Reform UK is back at it, serving up a fresh pile of steaming political garbage, and at the centre of this circus is Zia Yusuf, a slick, unelected millionaire who thinks he’s the second coming of Nigel Farage’s ego. This guy’s out here flooding your feeds with those godforsaken walking-and-talking videos, strutting around like a peacock in a cheap suit, preaching about “truth” while the rest of us choke on the stench of his bullshit. What’s the deal with Reform? It’s the same old story: a bunch of grifters, liars, and power-hungry weirdos pretending to be your saviours while their hands are deep in the cookie jar. And Yusuf? He’s just the latest clown to join the parade, waving a £200,000 check like it’s a ticket to the moral high ground. Spoiler: it ain’t.
Let’s start with these fucking videos. You’ve seen ‘em – every MP and their dog is out there power-walking through some grim British high street, spewing soundbites like they’re auditioning for a low-budget reality show. Yusuf, who isn’t even elected (and most Reform voters seem to hate his guts), is now jumping on this bandwagon, yammering on about his “DOGE team” uncovering scandals that everyone with a functioning brain already knew about. His latest gem? A headline screaming, “Dale Vince’s firm has raked in £3.5 million in contracts from Sadiq Khan’s GLA.” Oh, how shocking! A Labour mayor doing business with a green energy guy? Stop the presses! Except, wait – Dale Vince, the Ecotricity boss, has already told Yusuf to shove it, pointing out that his contracts were won through legal tenders, not backroom handshakes. Vince is ready to drag Yusuf’s ass to court for slander, and honestly, I’m rooting for him. If you’re gonna throw stones, Zia, maybe don’t live in a glass fucking penthouse.
Here’s the kicker: Yusuf’s out here accusing Labour of cronyism while Reform UK, the party he bankrolled, is swimming in dirty money. Last year alone, these clowns pocketed £2.4 million from gas and oil companies, just as their deputy leader, Richard Tice, started screaming “Oil good! Net Zero stupid!” from the rooftops. You don’t need a tinfoil hat to see the pattern here – big donations, sudden policy shifts. It’s like watching a dog chase its own tail, except the dog’s on fire and the tail’s made of cash. And Tice? Don’t get me started. This guy’s property companies slurped up subsidies for slapping solar panels on their buildings, while he was busy tanking British Steel with his “genius” business moves. Reform’s got five MPs (or four, depending on which one’s been kicked out this week), and they’re already dirtier than a Westminster sewer.
But let’s zoom in on Yusuf, the self-styled “British Muslim patriot” who’s got Reform’s old guard clutching their pearls. This guy’s a walking contradiction: a former Goldman Sachs bro, a tech startup kingpin who sold his luxury concierge app Velocity Black for £233 million in 2023, now playing populist hero for a party that thrives on anti-elite rhetoric. The BBC dropped a bombshell in June 2025, alleging Yusuf fudged Velocity Black’s growth figures to make it look like a unicorn when it was more like a donkey with a fake horn. He blamed his finance team, naturally – because nothing screams leadership like passing the buck. No charges, no proof, but the stink of financial impropriety follows him like a bad cologne. And yet, this is the guy Farage handpicked to “professionalize” Reform? Sounds like they’re professionalizing the art of screwing over their own people.
Yusuf’s rise to Reform’s chairman in July 2024 was greased by a £200,000 donation – chump change for a guy who made £31 million off his app, but enough to make Farage’s eyes light up like a slot machine. Problem is, Yusuf was still a paid-up Conservative Party member until August 2024, when The Guardian ratted him out and the Tories yanked his membership. You’d think a guy trying to lead a “revolutionary” party would’ve cut ties with the establishment first, but nah, Yusuf’s playing 4D chess with a checkers brain. His tenure was a shitshow from the start: he sacked long-time Farage loyalist Gawain Towler in a move so cold it could’ve been scripted by a Bond villain, leaving Eurosceptic veterans grumbling about his “Goldman Sachs mentality.” And then there’s the Rupert Lowe fiasco – Reform’s Great Yarmouth MP, suspended in March 2025 for allegedly threatening Yusuf. Lowe claims it was a smear campaign, complete with whispers about him having dementia, all to shut him up for criticizing Farage’s messianic leadership. The Crown Prosecution Service dropped the case, but the bad blood’s still there, festering like an open wound.
Now, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: Nigel Farage, the chain-smoking, pint-swilling godfather of this whole mess. This guy’s been dodging scandal since the EU was still pretending Brexit wouldn’t happen. Back in 2018, he got his MEP salary docked €40,000 for misusing EU funds to pay an assistant, Christopher Adams, who was moonlighting as a UKIP official. Scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours – sound familiar? Then there’s the Arron Banks saga: in 2016-2017, this Brexit sugar daddy dropped £450,000 on Farage, covering a £4.4 million Chelsea pad, a chauffeured car, and a swanky US trip to party at the Hay-Adams Hotel. Farage “forgot” to declare this to the European Parliament, which smells like bribery to anyone with a nose. The EU’s anti-fraud squad sniffed around but dropped it, because of course they did. And let’s not forget George Cottrell, Farage’s aide who got nabbed by the FBI for money laundering. Farage played dumb, as usual. Oh, and his Coutts bank accounts? Closed in 2023 because he was flagged as a “politically exposed person” – code for “this guy’s a bribery risk.” The man’s got more red flags than a Soviet parade, yet he’s still Reform’s untouchable messiah.
So what’s Yusuf’s game with these videos? Is he building “The Yusuf Party,” as some X posts are snarking? Or is he just another rich prick bored out of his skull, playing populist dress-up while Farage pulls the strings? His DOGE team – named after Elon Musk’s wet dream of government efficiency – is supposed to be cutting council waste, but so far, it’s just a megaphone for Yusuf to scream about Labour’s “corruption” while ignoring the oil-soaked cash pile Reform’s sitting on. The irony is thicker than a London fog. This guy’s out here slagging off Dale Vince, who at least has the receipts to prove his contracts were legit, while Reform’s own funding smells like a petrol station after a spill. And when Vince threatens to sue, Yusuf’s response is basically, “Who, me?” Classic deflection from a guy who’s been dodging accountability since his Velocity Black days.
Here’s the truth, you gullible bastards: Reform UK isn’t your salvation. It’s a circus of hypocrites, bankrolled by fossil fuel barons and led by a guy who’d sell his own nan for a headline. Yusuf’s just the latest act, a shiny new toy for Farage to parade until he inevitably falls out with him, like he has with every other ally from Douglas Carswell to Ben Habib. The walking videos? They’re not policy – they’re performance art, designed to keep you distracted while Reform’s leaders count their cash and dodge the mirror. Yusuf’s not cleaning house; he’s rearranging the furniture in a burning building. And if he’s smart, he’ll take Vince’s warning seriously, because the only thing worse than a glass house is one that’s already got a lawyer’s fist through the window.
So, what’s next? Will Yusuf launch his own party? Will Farage finally eat one of his own and spit out the bones? Or will Reform just keep churning out these brain-dead videos, hoping you’ll forget the oil money, the infighting, and the fact that they’re as corrupt as the system they claim to hate? My money’s on the last one. But don’t take my word for it – dig into the dirt yourself. The truth’s out there, buried under a pile of Reform’s bullshit, and it’s uglier than Yusuf’s next video. Now get off your ass and start looking.
Spider, Out.
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