The Truth is a Bladed Weapon: Dundee’s Misinformation Shitstorm

Dundee, Scotland. A city of cold stone, colder hearts, and now, a steaming pile of digital diarrhoea clogging up the arteries of truth. A 12-year-old girl, a pair of knives, a Bulgarian couple, and a social media circus led by ringmasters like Elon Musk and Tommy Robinson – real name Stephen Yaxley-Lennon, because apparently even his alias is a lie – have turned a Saturday night in St Ann Lane into a global shitshow. Buckle up, you filthy animals, because this is a story about how lies spread faster than herpes at a free love festival, and how the truth gets buried under a pile of retweets and crowdfunding scams.

Here’s the deal: last Saturday, a 12-year-old girl in Dundee was charged with possession of offensive weapons. Knives, to be precise. She was part of a group of kids who allegedly approached a Bulgarian couple in a dark alley called St Ann Lane. Sounds like the setup for a gritty crime novel, right? Except this isn’t fiction – it’s the kind of real-world mess that gets weaponized by keyboard warriors and billionaire egomaniacs before anyone bothers to check the CCTV.

Social media, that festering swamp of half-truths and full-blown lunacy, lit up with alleged footage of the incident. Grainy clips of a girl waving blades around, looking like she’s auditioning for a low-budget remake of Highlander. The posts went viral, because of course they did – nothing gets clicks like a scared kid and a narrative you can twist into a pretzel. The story? This girl and her friends were supposedly harassed and followed by “migrants” (because that’s the dog-whistle du jour). No evidence, no proof, just a lot of hot air and hotter tempers. And who’s fanning the flames? None other than Elon Musk, the self-proclaimed saviour of free speech, and Tommy Robinson, the far-right’s favourite professional victim.

Musk, sitting on his X-shaped throne, retweeted the allegations and dropped this gem: “What kind of government arrests little girls who try to defend themselves?” Oh, Elon, you cosmic dipshit. Did you even watch the footage, or were you too busy polishing your Tesla-branded halo? And Robinson, that walking proof that evolution sometimes takes a coffee break, chimed in with: “Very concerning video out of Dundee, Scotland. Very distressed young girls being filmed by a migrant, the children can be heard saying they’re only 12, and to leave them alone.” Cue the violins, the pitchforks, and the predictable outrage.

Here’s the kicker: Police Scotland reviewed the CCTV – actual evidence, not your uncle’s conspiracy thread – and found zero support for these claims. No harassment by “migrants.” No evidence of the girl being a helpless victim. Just a kid with knives, now charged and headed to Scotland’s children’s hearing system, which is like court but with less gavel-banging and more social workers trying to figure out why a 12-year-old is playing Rambo in an alley.

But the truth? It’s a slow, limping thing, and it can’t keep up with the lightning-fast lies zipping through X. The girl’s been turned into a folk hero, a pint-sized Braveheart complete with cartoon tributes and a crowdfunder that’s raked in £30,000. The appeal, allegedly set up by her family, claims her sister was physically attacked (no evidence for that either) and paints the girl as a martyr against a “corrupt law establishment” that’s supposedly protecting “foreign migrants” over “victims.” It’s the kind of rhetoric that makes you want to vomit into your own eyeballs. This isn’t justice; it’s a grift wrapped in a Union Jack.

Scotland’s First Minister, John Swinney, stepped into the fray, calling out the “deliberate misinformation” and pointing the finger squarely at Musk for undermining “community cohesion.” He’s not wrong, but let’s not kid ourselves – cohesion was already fraying like a cheap kilt. Swinney’s playing the politician’s game, careful not to say too much and “prejudice the case,” but the damage is done. The narrative’s out there, metastasizing like cancer, and no amount of press conferences can kill it.

Ch Supt Nicola Russell, who probably deserves a medal for not losing her mind, laid it out plain: “We are aware of misinformation being shared on social media… A 12-year-old girl has been charged with being in possession of offensive weapons. She will be referred to the relevant authorities and our enquiries are ongoing.” She thanked the community for their help and begged people to stop sharing the lies. Fat chance, Nicola. The internet doesn’t do retractions. It’s too busy jerking off to outrage.

So here we are, neck-deep in a cesspool of our own making. A kid with knives is a hero, a Bulgarian couple is a villain, and the truth is just collateral damage. Musk and Robinson aren’t the only culprits – every retweet, every “concerned” comment, every donation to that Crowdfunder is another brick in the wall of bullshit. This isn’t about a girl in Dundee anymore; it’s about how we’ve turned reality into a choose-your-own-adventure story where facts are optional and feelings are king.

What’s the fix? Hell if I know. Maybe we start by dragging our heads out of our collective asses and demanding evidence before we hit “share.” Maybe we stop worshipping billionaires who think tweeting is a personality. Maybe we remember that a 12-year-old with knives isn’t a warrior – she’s a kid who needs help, not a cartoon. But that’s too much work, isn’t it? Easier to keep scrolling, keep raging, keep feeding the beast.

This is Spider Thompson, signing off from the edge of sanity. Stay filthy, and for fuck’s sake, check your sources.