DOGE: Farage and Yusuf’s Bullshit Circus of Fake Outrage

Listen up, you filthy city-dwellers, because I’m about to shove a jagged shard of truth right up the collective colon of this so-called “DOGE” scam. Yeah, DOGE – or is it DOLGE? Who gives a fuck when the whole thing’s a steaming pile of Reform Party propaganda, cooked up by Nigel Farage and his unelected sidekick, Zia Yusuf, dragging in the unvetted Nathaniel Fried to whip you into a frothing frenzy over nothing. This is the kind of grift that makes my teeth itch and get me ordering a lot of milkshakes to throw.

Let’s start with the basics. DOGE, this half-baked “Department of Government Efficiency” brain-fart, is supposed to be Farage and Yusuf’s big plan to expose “wasteful” taxpayer spending. Sounds noble, right? Except it’s a complete fucking sham. Yesterday, Yusuf, that unelected weirdo who looks like he was grown in a vat of corporate self-help books, splashed his smug face across the papers, screaming about asylum seekers getting “circus trips” and “crazy golf.” Oh, the horror! Except – plot twist – it’s not asylum seekers living it up at the taxpayer’s expense. It’s asylum seekers kids in the care system. Kids with nothing, dragged halfway around the globe, getting a rare day out to feel human for once. And Reform’s twisting it into some dystopian conspiracy to fleece the public. I’d spit, but I’m saving it for Farage’s shiny loafers.

Then there’s this Fried character, slinking back into the picture like a cockroach after a nuke. Supposedly not tied to DOGE anymore, but he’s out there posting spreadsheets – spreadsheets, people – claiming taxpayer money’s being frittered away on golf for asylum seekers kids. Oh, clutch your pearls! Except the data’s vaguer than a politician’s promise. I’m staring at it right now, and it’s like reading a drunk accountant’s fever dream. One line says £59.94 at Argos for “Non Placement Spend Asylum 18+.” What the hell does that even mean? A pack of batteries? A kettle? A goddamn hula hoop? Nobody knows, because the data’s as useful as a paperweight in a windstorm.

Here’s the kicker: you don’t need DOGE to get this info. Thanks to some sharp-eyed bastard named Don McGowan firing off Freedom of Information requests, we find out these DOGE clowns cannot access anything other than any other idiot that just walks in off the street. And we know councils are legally required to post this spending data online. It’s right there on their websites, free for anyone with a browser and half a brain cell. I’m reading it on my phone, 100 miles from Kent, with a whiskey in one hand and my middle finger raised to Reform’s entire operation. So why the hell does DOGE, this unvetted, unelected clown show, need to waltz into council offices to “access” data that’s already public? They don’t. It’s all theatre, folks – a big, loud, stupid PR stunt to make Farage look like he’s fighting the system while he’s just jerking off to his own reflection.

And let’s talk about that data. It’s so vague it’s practically performance art. If Reform claims they’ve got juicier details, they’re either lying or breaking the law, because councils can’t hand out more than what’s publicly available without violating data protection rules. So DOGE’s either a toothless gimmick or a criminal enterprise. Pick one, Nigel.

The cherry on this shit sundae? Powys County Council just laughed DOGE out of the room. They debated a proposal for a “DOGE” role and shut it down harder than a trapdoor on a gallows. Councillor Raiff Devlin nailed it: “This is a gimmick, a political stunt.” He pointed out the obvious – no single person can oversee efficiency across a council’s sprawling departments. Education, engineering, social services? What’s DOGE gonna do, audit them with a Ouija board? The vote wasn’t even close: 40 against, 4 for, 6 abstaining. That’s not a debate; that’s a massacre.

So here’s the deal, you brain-dead masses: DOGE is nothing. It’s a mirage, a fever dream for Reform’s rabid base. It’s Farage and Yusuf playing dress-up as crusaders while delivering jack shit. The data they’re “exposing” is already public, and it’s so vague it’s useless. If they’ve got more, they’re breaking the law. If they don’t, they’re just shouting into the void. Either way, it’s a scam wrapped in a stunt wrapped in a lie.

This is what happens when you let unelected grifters like Yusuf and has-beens like Farage cosplay as saviours. They’re not here to fix anything. They’re here to sell you outrage while kids in care get scapegoated for a £60 Argos receipt. Wake the fuck up, people. DOGE isn’t a department – it’s a punchline. And I’m not laughing.

Spider Thompson, signing off to go puke in an alley.