Liverpool’s Bloody Parade: One Drugged-Up Prick and a Nation of Brain-Dead Conspiracy Wankers

[Update 29/05/2025]

You know what’s fucking beautiful about Liverpool? It’s a city that bleeds passion, where half a million people flood the streets to scream for their football gods, waving flags and singing about never walking alone. On Monday, May 26, 2025, they were out there, 500,000 strong, celebrating Liverpool FC’s Premier League victory parade like it was the end of the goddamn world. And then, because this planet is a cesspool of random cruelty, some 53-year-old local fuckwit named Paul Doyle decided to turn joy into a slaughterhouse.

Picture this: Water Street, packed with fans, kids, and grannies, all drunk on victory. Then, just after 6 p.m., a car comes screaming through, following an ambulance that slipped past a temporarily lifted roadblock. This wasn’t some mastermind terrorist plot, no matter what the right-wing nutjobs on X were frothing about before the wreckage even cooled. No, it was just Doyle, a white British bloke from West Derby, so high on drugs he probably thought he was driving to Narnia. He ploughed into the crowd, injuring 79 people—kids as young as nine, folks as old as 78. Seven are still in hospital, some clinging to life, because this arsehole couldn’t keep his foot off the gas.

The footage is pure nightmare fuel. CCTV shows people diving out of the way, screams ripping through the air as bodies fly off the hood like ragdolls. One poor bastard draped in a Liverpool flag got launched into the sky. Witnesses called it “mayhem,” and they’re not wrong—imagine the pop, pop, pop of human beings bouncing off a windshield. Merseyside Police nabbed Doyle at the scene, charging him with attempted murder, dangerous driving, and causing grievous bodily harm. He’s cooling his heels in a cell, due in court today, Friday, May 30.

But here’s where it gets really fucking stupid. The second this happened, the far-right lunatics—those Molotov-chucking, Greggs-raiding mouth-breathers—started screeching “TERRORIST!” and “IMMIGRANTS!” on social media. They didn’t even wait for the blood to dry before spinning their racist fairytale. “It’s a Muslim!” they howled, despite zero evidence. When the cops, moving faster than Usain Bolt on a bender, announced it was a white local guy, the tin-foil hat brigade doubled down. “Fake!” they screamed. “Cover-up!” Some even claimed Doyle must’ve “converted to Islam” because apparently their tiny brains can’t handle a reality where their bogeyman isn’t brown.

Merseyside Police, to their credit, learned from last year’s Southport shitshow. They dropped the suspect’s ethnicity and nationality within two hours, shutting down the conspiracy vultures before they could fully take flight. Dal Babu, some ex-cop bigwig, called it “unprecedented.” Good. Maybe if they’d done that sooner in the past, we wouldn’t have had riots from idiots who think “facts” are just suggestions.

And yet, the right-wing fuckwads still won’t let it go. They’re out there, posting doctored videos and recycled protest footage from years ago, desperate to sell their lie that this was some grand terrorist plot. Why? Because they need it to be. Their whole pathetic identity is built on hating anyone who doesn’t look like their inbred uncle. A drugged-up white guy doesn’t fit their script, so they rewrite reality like the brain-dead propagandists they are. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left picking up the pieces—79 injured, a city in shock, and a community trying to heal.

Liverpool’s fighting back, because that’s what they do. The King sent his condolences, Jurgen Klopp called it “the two faces of life,” and Jamie Carragher’s charity dropped £10,000 into a fundraising appeal that’s already hit £30,000 for the victims. The city’s spirit is unbroken, but it’s battered. And all because one idiot thought he could drive through a crowd like it was a fucking video game.

So here’s the deal, you conspiracy-spouting, hate-mongering pricks: shut the fuck up. This wasn’t your fantasy jihad. It was a tragedy born of one man’s stupidity, amplified by your desperate need to make everything about “them.” Take your Molotov’s and your lies and shove them where the sun doesn’t shine. Liverpool doesn’t need your bullshit. They’ve got enough to deal with.

Fuck you all. I’m done.