The Media’s a Whorehouse, and Reform’s the Favourite John

Listen up, you filthy animals, because I’m about to shove a jagged shard of reality down your throats. The media—this festering swamp of clickbait and corporate cock-sucking—has lost its goddamn mind. I’m sitting here, eyeballing the numbers, and it’s enough to make a sane man puke blood. I’ve noticed from a report @donmcgowan from @NoHoldsPod podcast does that as we all know and suspect, Reform get a share of the media coverage that’s just a joke.

Yes, that Reform, that pack of five MPs with less political weight than a fart in a hurricane, is getting 30-40% of the media’s attention. One percent of Parliament, and they’re hogging the spotlight like a drunk influencer at a strip club. Meanwhile, Labour’s out here announcing a spending review that could make or break the country, and they’re barely scraping half the mentions. What the fuck is this?

I dove into the cesspool of X, that digital landfill where truth goes to die, to see what’s what. The spin, my friends, is the game. The media—those self-styled “new” hacks who think they’re reinventing the wheel by vomiting their takes online—are playing us all for suckers. Reform, with their measly five seats and zero councillors, shouldn’t even be a blip on the radar. But no, they’re getting 34% of the mentions on X during a week when Labour’s budget review should’ve been the only goddamn story. Labour’s got 52%, sure, but that’s pathetic when you consider they’re the ones actually running shit. The Tories? 12%. Lib Dems? 2%. The Greens? Two fucking mentions. Two. That’s not journalism—that’s a conspiracy with a press pass.

Let’s break it down, because numbers don’t lie, even if every bastard in a newsroom does. Per MP, Labour’s getting 0.9 mentions. Conservatives? 0.7. Lib Dems hit a sad little 1. Greens? 0.5, because apparently saving the planet isn’t sexy enough for clicks. But Reform? Forty-fucking-nine mentions per MP. That’s not coverage—that’s a love letter written in neon and smeared with glitter.

So, what’s the spin? I grabbed 718 posts from the usual suspects—your Sky News, your GB News, your copy-paste “journalists” who think reposting the same video ten times is a personality trait. I slapped a simple lens on it: positive, neutral, negative. If you’re a real journalist, your shit should be neutral—facts, truth, no bullshit. Positive is when you’re shilling for a party, letting them spew their garbage unchallenged, giving them a megaphone to scream their dogma. Negative is a hit piece—headlines like “Budget Bankrupts Britain!” with no stats, no proof, just a journalist’s hot take dressed up as gospel. That’s not news; that’s propaganda with a better haircut.

Here’s the kicker: it’s not as bad as I thought, but it’s still a fucking disgrace. A lot of the coverage is neutral—quoting what Reform’s clowns said, reporting what they did, like actual journalists should. But the volume? The sheer volume of it? That’s where the bias lives. Reform’s getting airtime they don’t deserve, drowning out the real stories. Labour’s spending review should’ve been the sun, moon, and stars last week, but instead, it’s sharing the stage with a sideshow of right-wing loudmouths. And don’t get me started on the right-wing tilt of X—it’s like a funhouse mirror for reality, skewing everything toward the loudest, angriest voices.

So let’s name and shame the bastards who’ve turned journalism into a circus of spin and lies. I’ve been wading through the digital diarrhoea on X, and I’ve got the receipts on who’s peddling facts and who’s just jerking off their biases for clout.

First off, @ITVNews, you sneaky bastards. Least biased of the lot! Can you believe it? Only 19 posts, though—probably napping on the job, lazy pricks. But when they do bother to show up, they’re mostly sticking to facts, not slinging mud. Who knew they had it in ‘em?

Next up, @BBCNews, and oh, the right-wing crybabies are gonna lose their shit over this one. They love to wail about the BBC being a commie hellhole, but guess what? Only 3% of their posts stray from cold, hard facts. Three fucking percent! That’s a tighter leash than I keep on my own demons. So shove your “biased BBC” whining up your ass and move on.

@SkyNews? Not terrible, but not saints either. They’re playing dirty in 16% of their posts, which is enough to make you question their game. Still, could be worse. And it gets worse.

@TheTimes, you pompous pricks, you’re twisting the knife in 26% of your stories.

@GBNews, the loudmouths of the lot, somehow only hit 28% bias—lower than I expected from that clown car of a channel. Thought they’d be higher, but I guess even a broken clock’s right twice a day.

Then we get to @LBC, clocking in at 34% bias. No shock there—they’ve never met a hot take they didn’t want to hump.

@Telegraph? 36% of their posts are pure spin, dressed up in fancy suits like it’s fucking afternoon tea. But the real shitshow?

@TalkTV. Forty-fucking-eight percent of their posts are dripping with bias. That’s not journalism—that’s a propaganda mill with a microphone.

Shut these clowns down, @Ofcom, before they start selling snake oil on air. This isn’t funny anymore; it’s a disgrace to the very idea of truth.

Alright, you brain-dead drones, let’s cut through the fog of numbers and get to the meat of this media circus. I’m sick of wading through figures like a goddamn accountant, so here’s the raw, ugly truth about who’s swinging what kind of shit and at who. The biases in this cesspool of “journalism” aren’t random—they’re aimed like sniper shots, and the targets tell you everything you need to know about these spineless hacks.

@SkyNews, you slippery bastards, you’re almost playing nice. Mostly neutral, sure, but you’re still sneaking in a few cheap shots at Labour like the cowards you are. Can’t resist a little jab, can you?

@LBC, though? They’re flinging shit at Labour like it’s a goddamn monkey cage. Nearly as many hit pieces as neutral ones, and the two “positive” posts they managed? Probably hurt their blackened souls to type. Weirdly, they also lobbed some crap at Reform, but it’s mostly neutral noise—like they’re hedging their bets to look less like sellouts.

Then there’s @GBNews, or as I call ‘em, ReformTV. No fucking surprise here. They’re out here writing love letters to Reform, coating their turds in gold while slamming Labour with hit pieces like it’s their day job. Tories? They get a neutral pass, because of course they do—can’t bite the hand that feeds you.

@TheTimes, you posh pricks, you’re behaving better than I expected, but don’t get cocky. You’re still slipping in a fair few kicks at Labour, like a bully who thinks nobody’s watching.

@Telegraph? Full-on attack mode. They’re spewing long, hateful screeds about Labour, and when they can’t spin a story to fit their vendetta, they just toss out a quick mention and move on like it never happened. Classy. But the real clowns of this shitshow?

@TalkTV. These fuckers can’t say a single good word about Labour without choking on their own bile. Meanwhile, they’re promoting Reform so hard you’d think they’re on the payroll. Careful, @GBNews might get jealous of your little love affair with those five-MP loudmouths.

And then, like a goddamn miracle, we’ve got @ITVNews and @BBCNews. These two? I can’t even pick a fight with ‘em. They’re doing what journalists are supposed to do—reporting facts, staying neutral, keeping their noses clean. Actual reporters in a sea of spin-doctors. Makes me wanna weep, but I’m too pissed off for tears.

Journalistic integrity? Ha! That phrase is deader than my last pack of smokes. These hacks aren’t reporting; they’re performing. They’re not digging for truth; they’re chasing clout. Sky News and GB News are the worst offenders, spamming the same tired clips like they’re allergic to originality. Maybe they forgot how to retweet. Or maybe they just love hearing themselves talk.

So, here’s the deal, you brain-dead consumers of this media slop: the system’s rigged, and the spin’s in overdrive. Reform’s getting a free ride because they’re loud, they’re divisive, and they drive clicks. The media doesn’t care about truth—they care about eyeballs. And you, you’re eating it up, aren’t you? Stop it. Demand better. Or better yet, burn the whole fucking thing down and start over.

This is Spider Thompson, signing off. I’m going to email these fucks for their excuses, then go puke.