Jesus fucking Christ, what a week for the UK’s political circus. If you’re one of those brain-dead drones on X or whatever other digital sewer you’re wading through, screaming “uni-party” like it’s the only word you know, it’s time to pull your head out of your arse. The idea that we’re all stuck with one big, homogenous blob of political slime has been blown to bits. We’ve gone from 17 parties to 21 in the time it takes to down a pint, and the new ones are popping up like roaches in a cheap kebab shop. Strap in, you miserable bastards, because this shit’s gone feral.
Let’s start with Reform UK, the clown car of British politics, careening along with five MPs and a leader – Nigel “I’d Rather Be Sipping Mai Tais” Farage – who can’t find his own constituency with a GPS and a Sherpa. Born from the ashes of the Brexit Party, these millionaires in working-class drag slap “Reform will fix it” on every headline like it’s a bumper sticker for their egos. Racist? Check. Xenophobic? Double check. Out of touch? They’re so far removed they might as well be broadcasting from a yacht in Monaco. Farage’s latest brainfart? Appointing cabinet ministers from outside the Commons. Sure, mate, because nothing screams “democracy” like bypassing elected officials for your billionaire mates. Number 17 in the party count, and already a festering sore on the body politic.
But apparently, Reform’s brand of bigotry wasn’t spicy enough for some, so along comes Britain First, the political equivalent of a knuckle-dragging skinhead convention. Led by Paul Golding, a man who makes Farage look like a Rhodes scholar, this lot tried to flex their muscles in Nuneaton – yes, fucking Nuneaton – and got their arses handed to them by an anti-fascist crew that outnumbered them like ants at a picnic. The result? A rally so pathetic it could’ve been a deleted scene from The Office. These jokers are party number 18, and they’re already tripping over their own jackboots.
Then, this week, the floodgates opened, and the political equivalent of a bad acid trip spewed forth. First up, Ben Habib, the ex-Reform moneybags who woke up one day and realized he was bankrolling a Farage fan club instead of a real party. So, he bails and launches Advance UK, complete with a glossy video that says precisely fuck-all but cost a fortune. This guy’s not a politician; he’s a walking midlife crisis with a checkbook. Word on X was that he’d have Rupert Lowe on board by sundown, but that was just more social media hot air. Advance UK is party number 19, and I’m giving it six months before it’s a footnote in a Wikipedia entry nobody reads.
Not to be outdone, Rupert Lowe – the other half of Reform’s messy divorce – drops his own bombshell an hour later. This lying, fake-farmer sack of shit, who once had the cops involved over a supposed death threat against Farage’s lapdog Zia Yusuf, is now peddling Restore Britain. He’s calling it a “movement, not a party,” but we all know that’s just semantic wankery. It’s a party, and he wants to be the big dog. With Elon Musk apparently tossing him a thumbs-up back when he was saying Farage wasn’t worth shit, this could either be a dark horse or just another rich prick’s vanity project. That’s number 20, and my head’s already spinning.
And then, the cherry on this shit sundae: Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana, the Coventry MP with a spine, drop the bombshell of a new left-wing party. Corbyn, the grizzled veteran who led Labour from 2015 to 2020, knows every dirty trick in Westminster’s playbook. He’s got the scars, the secrets, and the fanbase to make this a real threat to Starmer’s centrist snoozefest. Sultana, who got kicked out of Labour for daring to vote against their two-child benefit cap, announced she’s co-leading this new outfit with Corbyn – except, plot twist, Corbyn hasn’t actually signed on the dotted line. Reports say he’s “furious and bewildered” at Sultana’s premature announcement, which is either a chaotic misstep or a sign this thing’s already got more drama than a soap opera. Is this party number 21? Maybe, maybe not, but it’s got the potential to pull votes from Labour and the Greens, which could make things interesting.
So, let’s get one thing straight: 21 parties – 21! – is not a fucking “uni-party.” The Monster Raving Loony Party, those glorious nutters, didn’t even make the original 17, and they’re still out there, probably proposing policies like free beer and mandatory silly walks. But this explosion of new parties isn’t a sign of a vibrant democracy; it’s a symptom of a system rotting from the inside. The right-wing spectrum – Conservatives, Reform, Advance UK, Britain First, Restore Britain – is like a sliding scale of “how openly racist do you want to be?” Meanwhile, the left’s got its own mess, with Labour bleeding voters to Corbyn’s crew and the Greens for those who want to hug trees and hate billionaires.
It’s all going to hell, and we’re the ones getting screwed. The rich and the bigots are carving up the political landscape like it’s a bloody pie, each one demanding their slice while the rest of us choke on the crumbs. The silver lining? All these right-wing splinter groups might just split the vote enough to keep Farage’s goons from dominating. But don’t kid yourself – this isn’t progress. It’s a circus, and we’re all stuck in the cheap seats.
Spider Thompson, signing off, because I need a drink and a shower after wading through this bullshit.
+ There are no comments
Add yours