Alright, you miserable bastards, strap in. It’s time to wade through the steaming pile of lies you’re being fed about these so-called “boat people.” You know the script by now: thousands of them, swarming over the Channel like some biblical plague, ready to rape, pillage, and book out every five-star hotel in the UK for a taxpayer-funded holiday. Free phones, free food, free fucking everything, right? That’s what the right-wing sewer rats scream on your feeds, while the left twiddles their thumbs and mumbles about “smashing the gangs” like it’s a promise they’ll keep after their next tea break. It’s all bollocks, and I’m sick of it. Sick of the fear-mongering, sick of the spin, sick of you lot swallowing it like cheap gin at a funeral.
Let’s cut through the noise and get to the meat. Forget the hotels, forget Farage’s frothing rants about “fighting-age men” ready to storm your nan’s house, forget Starmer’s limp-wristed promises to “do something.” I’m here for the numbers, the cold, hard, ugly truth that nobody – left, right, or centre – wants you to see because it doesn’t sell clicks or votes. I’ve been digging, and the stench of lies is so thick I need a gas mask.
The Data, You Filthy Animals
Last seven days, 31st July to 5th August: zero boats, zero migrants. Nada. On the 6th, we get a grand total of 155 people on two boats. Two! Fuck me, they must’ve been rowing aircraft carriers to fit that many, right? Where’s this “invasion” the X feeds keep screeching about? Thousands a day, they say, waving their digital pitchforks. I call bullshit. Dig deeper, and the “Summary of UK Immigration System, year ending March 2025” slaps you in the face with reality. Total legal immigration: 2,967,000. Non-legal routes: 78,000. Oh, and 22,000 of those were turned back before they even touched British soil. That’s right – nearly 30% of these “invaders” never make it past the Channel. Why isn’t Farage crying about that on his soapbox?
It gets better. Another 34,600 were sent packing – some kicked out, some leaving voluntarily. So, out of 100,000 attempted crossings, we’re down to 43,400 who actually stay. Compare that to the 3 million legal visas handed out like candy, and these “boat people” are a measly 1.2% of immigration. Half of that’s humanitarian routes, so we’re talking 0.6% of the UK’s immigration being these “small boat invaders.” You feeling lied to yet? You should be.
The Media’s Playing You Like a Cheap Fiddle
Dig into the “small boat arrivals and preventions” for the week ending 27th July: 643 people on 11 boats, but – here’s the kicker – 458 were turned away on 18 boats. That’s right, the system’s actually stopping people, but you won’t hear that from the right-wing outrage machine. They’d rather cherry-pick a bad day – say, one where 1,200 show up – and scream about it for a week straight, pretending it’s Armageddon. Since May, the government’s been tracking “Migrants Prevented,” and it’s consistently over 33% of attempts. Not perfect, but it’s something. Why isn’t this front-page news? Because “Boats Stopped, Progress Made” doesn’t make you click like “Invasion! Thousands Storm Our Shores!” does.
The media’s in on it, and so are the politicians. Farage and his ilk are selling you a dystopian fantasy where every migrant’s a machete-wielding monster, and they’re your only salvation. Meanwhile, Starmer’s lot are too busy polishing their halos to actually fix the problem. It’s all theatre, folks – big, loud, distracting theatre to keep you scared and voting. The numbers don’t lie, but the bastards shouting them do.
The Truth, You Spineless Lot
Here’s the deal: crossings are up since 2018, sure, but it’s not the daily deluge you’re being sold. Some weeks, it’s zero. Others, it’s a few hundred. Rarely nudging over a thousand. And a third of them are being stopped or sent back. The right’s weaponizing this to make you piss your pants, while the left’s too incompetent to shut it down for good. Both sides are lying by omission, cherry-picking stats to fit their narrative. Farage wants you to think it’s all chaos; Starmer wants you to think he’s got it under control. Neither’s telling you the full story because the full story doesn’t get them power.
So, Starmer, get off your arse and crush the smuggling gangs like you promised. And Farage, you red-faced charlatan, start spitting facts instead of fear, or I’ll shove those stats so far up your arse you’ll be coughing numbers. The rest of you, stop swallowing the headlines and check the data yourself. It’s out there, and it’s uglier than my hangover.
Spider out. Time to drown this bullshit in cheap whisky. Pass the bottle, you filthy bastards.
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