BERLIN – Strap in, you degenerate truth-junkies, because Germany’s 2025 election just puked up a Technicolor nightmare, and it’s dripping with every flavor of crazy this country’s been bottling up since the Wall fell. Friedrich Merz and his conservative ghouls clawed their way to the top, sure, but the real story’s in the cracks—where the far-right AfD doubled its haul to 20.8% and the old guard SPD got its ass handed to it with a measly 16.4%. This ain’t just a vote; it’s a seismic fucking shift, and the ground’s still shaking.
Look at the map: the east’s a light-blue AfD fever swamp, like East Germany’s ghost rose from the grave to flip off the west. Thuringia, Saxony—places where the Stasi once sniffed your underwear—are now playgrounds for Alice Weidel’s smirking libertarian fascists. The west? Mostly black with Merz’s CDU and their Bavarian CSU cousins, but don’t kid yourself—the AfD’s oozing over the old Iron curtain too. One in five Germans—20.8%—now shrugs and says, “Yeah, they’re fine.” A kid in Duisburg, immigrant roots and all, told some reporter, “They’re just normal people.” Normal. Christ, that word’s a loaded gun now.
The AfD’s riding high on blood and headlines—nine months of immigrant-linked attacks gave ‘em the perfect soapbox. Their big idea? “Remigration.” Sounds cute, right? Deport the bad apples, clean house. Except it’s a dog whistle for mass expulsion—migrants, their kids, anyone who doesn’t fit the Aryan wet dream. Leader Alice Weidel swears it’s all about “liberty,” not race, but tell that to Björn Höcke, her Thuringia attack dog, who’s been fined twice for screaming banned Nazi slogans—“Alles für Deutschland”—like a skinhead karaoke night gone wrong. Supporters chant “Alice für Deutschland” now, and the echoes are loud enough to wake Hitler’s corpse.
The courts aren’t buying it. Last May, they stamped AfD as a “suspected far-right extremist” outfit—anti-democratic, anti-everything decent. In three eastern states, domestic spies have them pegged as full-on extremists. But 20.8% don’t give a shit—they’re voting anyway. The mainstream’s got a “firewall”—no deals with the AfD, a post-WWII promise—but it’s looking more like a paper towel in a grease fire. Second biggest party in parliament, and they’re still persona non grata. For now.
Turnout? Highest since ’87—82.5%. Four out of five Germans dragged themselves to the polls, fueled by nine TV debates and a national nervous breakdown. They’re pissed, scared, electrified—pick your poison. This ain’t apathy; it’s a country screaming through its ballots.
Meanwhile, the old government’s a smoking wreck. Olaf Scholz’s three-headed coalition—SPD, Greens, FDP—imploded last year, and now the heads are rolling. FDP’s Christian Lindner, the debt-hawk prick who sank the ship, quit after his party got zero seats. Scholz is limping off into the sunset, a lame-duck chancellor with no fight left. Greens’ Robert Habeck, Mr. Vice-Chancellor, saw his eco-dreams crash below 12% and bailed too. Three leaders, three obituaries, all in 24 hours. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Then there’s the Left—Die Linke—back from the grave like a zombie with a TikTok account. They were toast until Heidi Reichinnek, their co-chair, went viral defending the anti-AfD firewall. Seven million views, 580,000 followers, and bam—9% of the vote. The kids love her. Speaking of kids, the 18-24 crowd split hard: 25% for the Left, 21% for the AfD. The over-35s? They clung to Merz’s CDU like a life raft, especially the men. Middle ground’s dead—youth are swinging wild, left and right, while the olds clutch their pearls.
And Alice Weidel? She’s the TikTok queen—935,000 followers, outshining Reichinnek. Her polished grin’s a magnet for the angry and the aimless. Sahra Wagenknecht’s populist BSW splinter flopped below 5%, but the AfD’s star keeps rising. Fear’s a hell of a drug.
So what’s Germany now? A fractured mess, east vs. west, young vs. old, sane vs. unhinged. Merz might’ve won, but the AfD’s the shadow king, locked out but looming. The firewall holds—for today. Tomorrow? Who knows. This election wasn’t a choice; it was a warning shot. Germany’s in flux, alright—flux with a fuse, and it’s burning fast.
Spider Thompson, out – because someone’s got to scream when the house is on fire.
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