Alright, you degenerate swarm of screen-addicted zombies, glued to your feeds like flies on fresh shit – this is Spider Thompson, your chain-smoking, filth-spewing oracle of outrage, reporting from the festering underbelly of this godforsaken political circus. Today, we’re dissecting the latest episode of “Hypocrites in Power,” starring Ed Miliband, that bumbling Energy Secretary who’s suddenly grown a pair – or at least borrowed one for his big speech at the Labour Party conference in Liverpool. Yeah, the one where he tells Elon Musk to “get the hell out of our politics and our country.” As if the UK’s already not a sinking ship of bureaucratic bollocks.
Let’s set the scene, shall we? Miliband’s up there on stage, sweating under the lights, launching into a tirade against Nigel Farage and his Reform goons. Calls ’em part of a “global network” out to shred the “ties that bind our communities and our way of life.” Sounds ominous, right? Like some Illuminati wet dream. But then he drops the bomb: “I can sum up the threat in two words: Elon Musk.” Boom. The crowd probably erupts in self-righteous applause, while the rest of us choke on our coffee.
Miliband’s not done. “Elon Musk. He incites violence on our streets. He calls for the overthrow of our elected government. He is an enabler of disinformation through X.” Oh, the horror! This coming from a guy whose party has been knee-deep in their own scandals. But wait, it gets better: Musk showed up at some London rally organized by Tommy Robinson – yeah, that charming fellow – and tells the crowd to “fight back” or “die.” Whether you choose violence or not, violence is coming to you,” he says. “You either fight back or you die.” Downing Street calls it “violence and intimidation,” and even Farage, Musk’s fanboy, hems and haws about “context” and “ambiguity.” If it’s about free speech and elections, sure, but violence against cops? “Horrible,” he says. Spare me the selective outrage.
Miliband ties it all back to Reform’s “climate denying agenda,” claiming they’ll “betray” the youth by warring on clean energy. Meanwhile, he’s announcing initiatives to slash bills and create green jobs – like that’s not just more government greenwashing to distract from the real rot. Labour’s trailing in polls, so they’re ramping up attacks on Farage, with Starmer bleating about a “fight for the soul of this country.” Soul? What soul? This country’s been soul-sucked by suits like them for decades.
Look, I get it. Musk’s a megalomaniac space cowboy, tweeting from his ivory tower, meddling in shit he doesn’t understand. Inciting riots? Spreading lies? Yeah, that’s dangerous. But Miliband acting like the UK’s politics are some pure, untouchable sanctuary? Laughable. These politicians are all in the same club – pandering, posturing, and pissing on the public while cashing checks. Musk’s just the outsider crashing the party with his billions and his bird app. “Get the hell out”? How about all of you get the hell out and let the people run things without your interference?
This whole farce is symptomatic of the disease: Billionaires and politicians in a pissing match, while the streets burn and the planet chokes. Farage morphing into something “even more dangerous”? Pot, meet kettle. If Labour really cared, they’d tackle the real threats – poverty, corruption, the elite circle-jerk – instead of grandstanding against a tech bro.
I hate it here. The speeches, the soundbites, the sanctimony – it’s all a smokescreen for the same old power grab. Wake up, you lot. Grab your pitchforks, your keyboards, whatever, and demand better. Or don’t. Rot in your complacency. See if the machine cares.
Spider out.
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