What The Fuck Has Labour Ever Done Anyway?

Alright, you degenerate sacks of meat and regret, listen up because I’m Spider Thompson, and I’m about to vomit truth all over your screens like a bad acid trip in a slaughterhouse. I’ve been knee-deep in this festering cesspool of a political week, slamming my gonads against a brick wall just to squeeze out a coherent column on the madness. It’s a shape-shifting beast, this story – every goddamn time my finger hovers over “send,” some fresh hell erupts and turns the whole thing into a bigger pile of steaming bullshit. Apologies to you filthy animals; it’ll hit your feeds by tomorrow’s end, on my honour as the last honest bastard in this godforsaken City.

But today? Today it’s gnawing at my skull like a swarm of nano-rats on meth. I’m glued to the feeds, watching the media machine – the whole rotten syndicate from the BBC’s polished lies to GBNews’s frothing idiocy, from BlueSky’s echo-chamber circle-jerks back to X’s screaming void – twist every narrative into a pretzel of deception. None of it’s the truth; it’s all just noise to drown out the screams of reality. And that got my brain firing on all cylinders, you know? The big lie floating around like a turd in the punchbowl is “What the fuck has Labour ever done anyway?” and how “they’ve turned this place into some boot-stomping authoritarian nightmare”. But that’s not the poison I’m spitting today; save that for another rage-fest.

No, let’s crank up a little game I call “Has Labour Actually Shat Out Anything Good Since They Slithered Into Power?” And believe it or not, you cynical pricks, the answer’s yes – in the weirdest goddamn corners you’d never spot if you believed the bile spewing from your feeds. Buckle up; we’re diving in.

Economy and Growth

• The government has prioritized economic stability, with the UK’s GDP growing faster than most G7 countries in the first quarter of 2025, marking the fastest quarterly growth among peers. Overall economic growth has exceeded expectations early in the year.

• Household disposable income increased by £144 in the first six months, the fastest rise at the start of any government since records began in 1954.

• A rise in the national minimum wage has benefited millions of workers.

• Secured major international trade deals with the US, India, and the EU, described as historic, alongside resetting EU relations to ease trade barriers and agree on a defence pact.

• Attracted £63 billion in investments through the International Investment Summit, expected to create nearly 38,000 jobs across infrastructure, renewables, and life sciences.

Health and NHS

• Delivered over 4.2 million additional NHS appointments in the first nine months, reducing the hospital waiting list to 7.39 million and marking the first decline in waiting times in about 16 years.

• Agreed a new GP contract providing more funding, a 5.4% pay rise for resident doctors, and reduced bureaucracy by scrapping NHS England.

• Outlined a ten-year NHS plan, including a network of neighbourhood health centres and a focus on prevention, with a report highlighting needs for long-term improvements.

Education

• Increased new teacher trainees by 6%, adding 1,400 secondary school teachers and 900 special schoolteachers, though short of the full 6,500 target.

• Launched a pilot for free breakfast clubs in 750 primary schools, with plans to expand nationwide, alongside a curriculum review for inclusivity and innovation.

Workers’ Rights and Employment

• Passed the Employment Rights Bill, granting day-one protections against unfair dismissal, banning zero-hours contracts, introducing day-one paternity leave, and preventing fire-and-rehire practices unless a company faces bankruptcy.

• Uprated working-age benefits by 1.7% from April 2025, benefiting around 5.7 million Universal Credit families by an average of £150 annually.

• Extended the Household Support Fund with £1 billion into 2025 to aid vulnerable families, and increased Pension Credit uptake for 45,000 more pensioners, worth over £4,000 in additional benefits.

Housing and Planning

• Reformed planning rules by reimposing population-based housing targets on local authorities, easing compulsory purchase orders for public bodies, and advancing renters’ reforms to end no-fault evictions and ensure timely repairs.

• Announced plans for 3,000 new primary school-based nurseries and improvements in SEND (Special Educational Needs and Disabilities) support.

Transport

• Passed rail nationalisation legislation to bring networks under public control via Great British Railways, and empowered local authorities to run bus services through simplified franchising (Better Buses initiative).

• Secured a deal to build 14 new trains, preserving 750 jobs at Hitachi’s factory in County Durham.

Energy and Environment

• Lifted the ban on onshore wind power and established Great British Energy, a public company for clean energy, backed by a £7.3 billion national wealth fund for green infrastructure.

• Increased the share of energy from renewables to 55%, with rises in solar and biomass.

• Introduced environmental measures like banning trail hunting, ending badger culls by eradicating bovine TB, banning hunting trophy imports, creating nine new National River Walks and three National Forests, and promoting nature recovery.

Immigration and Border Security

• Established the Border Security Command to target people-smuggling gangs, treating smuggling as equivalent to terrorism, and ended the Rwanda scheme, saving over £2 billion.

• Net migration has fallen sharply, with 30,000 deportations in the largest flights in history and around 34,000 returns in 2024—the highest since 2017.

Crime and Justice

• Recorded violent crimes decreased by over 1% (14,665 fewer incidents) in the first six months compared to the prior year.

• Implemented an early release scheme for less serious offenders to alleviate the prison crisis.

Diplomacy and International Relations

• Maintained strong US ties, securing a tariff deal and backing for ceding Chagos Islands sovereignty while protecting the AUKUS pact.

• Sustained support for Ukraine, including leading post-war reassurance force discussions.

• Advanced English devolution through legislation and announced a Child Poverty Taskforce.

Ah, you pathetic worms wriggling in the muck of your own denial, even as I spew out that some of Labour’s droppings might actually pass for fertilizer, I can feel the bile rising – knowing it’ll curdle the milk in the teats of you whiny bastards who’d rather choke on outrage than swallow a fact. But screw the foreplay; at the rotten core of it all, the real gut-puncher is the immigration mess.

No goddamn surprise it’s buried deeper than a politician’s conscience on these feeds, hushed like a fart in a cathedral. It’s getting fixed, you hear me? Inch by agonizing inch, slow as a slug crawling through syrup, but fixed all the same. And what the hell does that spell out in blood and neon? Reform’s carcass is rotting in the ditch, deader than disco, deader than decency in this shithole of a world.

So, if you’ve clawed your way through this goddamn rant without your brain melting out your ears, what’s the fucking point, eh? Simple, you disease-ridden little bastards: you don’t get the full stinking picture, do you? Take a good hard look at that Reform circus – last week, that frog-faced cult leader shithead got his ass handed to him in Congress across the pond, utterly obliterated like a bug under my boot. But the media scum over here? Oh, they spin it as “he put on a hell of a show, made some solid points.” It’s all a slimy hit job, you see? They’re greasing the wheels to boot that spineless Starmer out the door and cram Farage in his place, all by cherry-picking half the story and leaving the rest to rot in the gutter – just like I did right there, you blind idiots. Wake the fuck up!

Fuck this, Spider out. I’ll get that other story out tomorrow but for now the whisky calls.