Dispatch from the Shitstorm: The Toothless Farce of Council Accountability

Alright, you degenerate truth-seekers, strap in. Spider Thomspon here, wading through the festering swamp of local government accountability, where justice isn’t just blind—it’s got its hands tied, its teeth rotted out, and a gag stuffed in its mouth for good measure. I’ve spent the last week diving headfirst into this cesspool, and let me tell you, it’s a special kind of hell. We’re talking councillors, those self-important nobodies who think they’re running the show, and the utter lack of consequences for the bile they spew. Buckle up, because this is gonna get ugly.

Let’s start with Darren Grimes, the loudmouth Reform UK councillor from Durham, who’s been slinging racist nonsense and misinformation like it’s his day job. This guy’s out here claiming the ECHR is some magical fix-all while simultaneously tweeting that Tories “deserve to die.” Yeah, you read that right. The police even paid him a visit over that one, but did Durham County Council do anything? Not a damn thing. I hit up the council, expecting some shred of accountability, and what did I get? A stock reply with a link to their complaints page, like I’m some Karen whining about a pothole. I wasn’t asking how to complain—I was asking why they don’t enforce their own damn rules when a councillor’s behaviour is as blatant as a kick to the face. Crickets.

So, I dug deeper. The Local Government Association (LGA), which councils like Durham pay to be part of, has this shiny Code of Conduct based on the “Nolan Principles”—you know, those seven commandments of public life: selflessness, integrity, objectivity, accountability, openness, honesty, and leadership. Sounds nice, right? Like a utopian wet dream for bureaucrats. I called up the LGA, and they told me to talk to the Local Government Ombudsman (LGO). Apparently, they don’t enforce their own principles—they just write them down and expect everyone to play nice. No teeth, just vibes.

The LGO? Same story. They’ll only step in if the council botches a complaint investigation, and even then, all they can do is nudge the council to try again. They can’t override decisions or slap anyone on the wrist. It’s like asking a goldfish to discipline a shark. So, the buck stops with the council, who, surprise surprise, don’t seem keen on policing their own unless someone files a formal complaint. And even then, it’s a lottery.

I reached out to an old contact, a councillor still slogging through the muck of local politics, to get the real dirt. Off the record, she admitted the ugly truth: councils don’t have the staff to monitor every councillor’s unhinged rants. It’s like HR at a shady corporation—nothing happens unless someone raises a stink. And here’s the kicker: even if a councillor’s caught red-handed, they can just claim they were “off the clock.” Not acting in their official capacity? No problem! It’s the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.

My contact pointed me to a couple of Coventry councillors, Glenn Williams and Jaswant Birdi, who got dragged to an ethics committee over racism allegations. Sometimes it can almost, Jaswant Birdi got the heave-ho but it took going over the head of the Tories leaser! The council only forced some “suitable training” on em. What a joke. Apparently Council bosses do not have the power to force Cllr Birdi to resign, but the Ethics Committee did recommend that he be removed from his position as shadow member for policing and equalities.

But guess what? The committee’s fangs were yanked out by the coalition government years ago. They can’t even suspend a councillor anymore—just wag a finger and hope for the best. This is literally ridiculous by anyone’s standards.

Then there’s the complaint process itself, which is a masterclass in deterrence. If you file a complaint, the councillor gets your name and details because, apparently, they have a “right” to know who’s calling them out. Sure, I get it—gotta weed out the grudge-holders. But it also scares off anyone who doesn’t want their name plastered on a vindictive councillor’s hit list. And here’s the cherry on top: other councillors can file complaints on your behalf, but most won’t because, well, it’s an old boys’ club. Why rock the boat when you can just sip tea and pretend everything’s fine?

Take Ricky Jones, the Labour councillor who got caught on video saying some dumb shit that sounded an awful lot like inciting violence, well that and the throat slitting action was pretty clear. He claimed it was out of work hours, nothing to do with the party. But Labour suspended him anyway, proving a party can move when they want to. So why the hell wasn’t Grimes suspended for his “Tories deserve to die” tweet, especially with the police sniffing around? It’s right there on his X feed, black and white, no ambiguity. Yet Durham Council’s acting like it’s just another Tuesday. Selective enforcement much?

And don’t get me started on Andy Osborn. This guy got kicked out of his party for some unspecified nonsense—probably said something so vile even his mates couldn’t stomach it. But did he lose his councillor seat? Nope. He just went independent, kept his gig, and carried on like nothing happened. The system’s not just broken; it’s built to protect the worst of them.

Here’s the deal: unless a councillor’s dumb enough to spew their garbage at a press conference or on live TV, they can pretty much say or do whatever they want. The council won’t lift a finger unless someone complains, and even then, they can hide behind the “not in official capacity” excuse. The LGA and LGO are toothless, the Nolan Principles are just words on a page, and the ethics committees are about as useful as a paper umbrella in a hurricane. It’s a rigged game, and the players know it.

So, what’s the fix? Burn it down and start over. Demand councils proactively monitor their own, no complaints needed. Strip away the “off-hours” loophole—public officials should be held to a higher standard, period. And give the LGO some actual power to suspend or boot councillors who cross the line. Until then, it’s open season for clowns like Grimes to keep spewing their venom, and the system will just shrug. Welcome to the circus, folks. Bring your own pitchforks.

— Spider Thompson, still screaming into the void.