Here I am, back in the festering armpit of the world, staring at the UK like it’s a diseased foot I’ve been forced to lick. 2024 was a year of predictable collapse, a slow-motion car crash where the driver’s too drunk on power to notice the cliff. I’ve been watching this island of damp misery, it’s a masterclass in how to screw over a nation while pretending you’ve got a plan. Grab your umbrellas, you pasty bastards, because this is going to be a downpour of truth you didn’t ask for.
Let’s start with the big one: the general election. Keir Starmer and his Labour Party waltzed into power in July, a landslide so big it made Tony Blair’s 1997 win look like a polite cough. The Conservatives, after 14 years of playing king, got their asses handed to them—down to a measly 121 seats while Labour snatched 411. Starmer’s victory speech was all hope and change, but I can smell the rot already. A 33.7% vote share? That’s the lowest for any majority party in British history, meaning most of you didn’t even want this guy—you just hated the other one more. Rishi Sunak, the outgoing PM, announced the election in the pouring rain outside Downing Street, with some activist blaring “Things Can Only Get Better” in the background. Poetic, sure, but the irony’s thicker than the sludge in the Thames. Things didn’t get better, did they? Sunak’s “stick to the plan” mantra was about as effective as a paper umbrella in a hurricane. Inflation might’ve dipped, but the cost of living’s still choking the life out of you lot, and net migration figures are a mess—projected to push the population to 73.7 million by 2036. Good luck with that, Keir. You’re sitting on a powder keg, and the fuse is already lit.
The Tories didn’t just lose—they imploded. After years of Brexit chaos, Partygate scandals, and Liz Truss’s 49-day disaster, they were already on life support. Sunak’s premiership was a death rattle, and the rise of Reform UK under Nigel Farage didn’t help. Polls showed Reform creeping up, even overtaking the Conservatives at one point in June. Farage’s mob, with their anti-immigrant bile, tapped into the kind of anger that festers in a country that’s been screwed over one too many times. Meanwhile, the Liberal Democrats and Greens gained ground too—Carla Denyer and Adrian Ramsay taking the Green Party to new heights. The UK’s political landscape is a fractured mess, a kaleidoscope of resentment and desperation. And you know what? You deserve it. You let these clowns run the show for too long, and now you’re reaping the whirlwind.
Speaking of clowns, let’s talk about the Post Office scandal. The BBC’s Panorama team uncovered that Post Office managers lied through their teeth to cover up the Horizon IT mess—potentially underpaying £100 million in taxes while victims of the scandal got shafted. This isn’t just incompetence; it’s a deliberate middle finger to every poor bastard who got dragged through the mud. And while we’re on the topic of institutional failure, the NHS has been missing targets for seven years straight, according to BBC News. Seven years! You’re all so proud of your precious healthcare system, but it’s a rotting corpse, and the vultures in Westminster are too busy picking at the bones to notice the stench.
Then there’s the international stage, where the UK’s playing a dangerous game of pretend. Sunak pledged £2.5 billion in military aid to Ukraine, and Grant Shapps was itching to take on Houthi rebels in the Red Sea. But let’s not kid ourselves—the UK’s foreign policy is a mess of post-Brexit posturing. You abstained on a UN resolution to end Israel’s occupation of Palestinian territory, despite the International Court of Justice calling it unlawful. Your new government talks a big game about multilateralism, but when push comes to shove, you’re still hiding behind ambiguity while Gaza burns and the West Bank bleeds. Medical Aid for Palestinians had to start handing out bulletproof vests to first responders in 2023, and by the end of 2024, the World Health Organization recorded 659 attacks on healthcare in the West Bank alone. Your leaders wring their hands, but they won’t call it what it is: a genocide in slow motion. Cowards.
On the home front, the English Channel saw fewer migrant crossings—29,437 in 2023, down 36% from 2022—but that didn’t stop the tragedies. Five people died in French waters trying to make the crossing in January, and the government’s response? More post-Brexit controls on food and animal imports, as if that’s going to fix anything. Meanwhile, you banned American XL Bully dogs because apparently that’s the kind of hard-hitting policy you need right now. Pathetic.
There were a few bright spots, I guess, if you squint hard enough. Luke Littler, a 16-year-old darts prodigy, made it to the World Darts Championship final, the youngest ever to do so. He lost to Luke Humphries, but for a moment, you had something to cheer for. And the Met Office says 2023 was the second warmest year on record, with Wales and Northern Ireland hitting all-time highs. So, congrats, I guess—you’re all going to boil alive in a few decades, but at least you’ll have a nice tan.
2024 in the UK was a year of reckoning, a year where the cracks in the system turned into gaping chasms. You’ve got a new government, but don’t kid yourself—Starmer’s not your saviour. He’s just another suit in a long line of suits, promising change while the machine grinds on. The UK’s a dystopia in waiting, a neon-lit nightmare where the powerful get richer, the poor get screwed, and the truth gets buried under a pile of lies. I’d say I’m sorry for you, but I’m not. You built this hellhole. Now live in it.
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